What can I say? Insight saved my life! It is both a blessing and a curse to be insightful with your mental health as I am sure many of you can understand. To know so much about yourself, to be so understanding of your triggers and knowledge of what keeps you well but still battling a mind that doesn’t want to walk that path, is fucking hard.
I have been back on my anti-psychotic since July and *touch wood* am back to my silly old self. For all their faults, the National Health Service are always there to buffer people back to life. Jade has been holding onto me on a bridge, police officers have dragged me like a rag doll across bridges, I have been chased, and caught, handcuffed, put in a prison cell and been in the back of a police car and ambulance far too many times to count BUT the NHS has always prevailed. I’m not saying its perfect; there are many pen pushers at the top that, if they took a pay cut we could afford more nurses and healthcare assistants, but they’ve been there without a bill at the end of it. My health costs me tax and national insurance, and £10 a month for my PrePayment Certificate for my 6-8 medications (depending on whether I get my inhalers). If I contract a skin condition, or chest infection, the medication is usually covered. It is one of the few things that make me proud of this country is our NHS. Anyway, I digress….
I feel so lucky and fortunate. Since being back on my anti-psychotic, I have genuinely felt really good 98% of the time which is pretty good to be fair. I sat in the garden on 5th September 2019 where the sun was beating down, I’d just cut the grass, cleaned the car port and washed Jade’s car and thought “damn, I’m really lucky”. I have everything a woman could want except a nice bank balance.
We rent a nice home, I have a (sometimes dysfunctional) family, I have a second family who has accepted me flaws and all, I have a small but reliable set of friends, a settled income and I have rejoined Slimming World (another post will be written about this!)
So in short, life is good. I still have my bad days. In fact the last week has been pretty tough, I’ve been struggling and relying on benzodiazepines that have helped my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. But ON THE WHOLE I’m doing really well.
Of course its not 100% down to tablets and medication. Its partly down to circumstance, relationship changes, mood changes etc but I used to take medication for high blood pressure for which there was no shame. So why would there be any for mental health medication?
THERE ISN’T.
There is no shame in taking medication for the chemical imbalance you have. For a headache, you’d take a paracetamol. For anxiety, you can take a benzo. For depression, you can take an antidepressant. For high blood pressure, you’d take ramipril (for example, don’t quote me on medical issues please and consult your own GP if you struggle with any of these conditions). This blog is purely MY experiences, and I will always consciously try and not name medications because they act/work differently for different people. I just know that without mine, I would probably be dead.
I think that’s one of the hardest things. Admitting you need help and that you’ll probably be on medication for a while, if not for life. My Jade has also suffered from depression and anxiety and is medication-free and has been for a number of years. That doesn’t mean to say she doesn’t struggle from time to time. Of course she does, she’s human! I, however, DO need that chemical imbalance restoring and whether you take them or not, medication for your health is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT.
The Warrior Within 