On Friday 4th October I took a concoction of medication and a bottle of wine and my suicide attempt was intervened by police officers. Because of the nature of what I took, I was taken straight to Resus at our local hospital. I woke up in the early hours of Sunday morning.
WHY????
Because I’m a bad person.
This is not going to be a begging post “oh please like me” type shit I’m going to tell you exactly why. On Thursday, 3rd, my Jade found out I lied to her. I deceived her. I broke her heart by lying. She’s always known one of my biggest fears is receiving a Dear John letter. So she left me one explaining the reasons she was so mad, which I totally understood…right next to her engagement ring.
I broke down. I’d been secretly smoking and then lying about it, deceiving her by buying cigarettes and talking to people without her knowledge (my GP and the Samaritans) which indicated to her I had not been honest about my mental health either. It’s been in a state of decline for a few weeks to be honest but I’ve put on a facade for her benefit.
She’d taken her engagement ring off and said the wedding was on hold. Just a day later, on the Friday, she’d found out more lies I’d been telling her and told me I had four options.
- We could live together as housemates, come and go as we please and continue sharing the bills etc
- I could stop lying and try getting our relationship back on track
- I could carry on the way I am, lying to her, and we never get married or,
- We part ways.
The optimist in her thinks we’ll go for 2, maybe option 1. The realist in me is 3 or 4.
After my overdose, I remain in the general hospital awaiting a psychiatric bed somewhere in the UK as the local one is full. In my mind, I’ve lost her because I cannot help compulsive lying. I don’t know why I do it, I don’t need to do it because I trust her implicitly. But I deceive her anyway.
I’ve had many comments from people trying to “help” and this is a list of the names I’ve been – rightfully or not is down to opinion – called; manipulative, selfish, disgusting, disgraceful, embarrassing, a burden, a waste of space and a bad person.
The minute she took her engagement ring off I knew deep down she was never going to marry me. How could she? How can she marry someone she doesn’t trust? How can she walk down the aisle thinking, ‘I wonder if these vows will be lies too’?
We are still speaking. There’s no I love you’s, no kisses at the ends of texts. By breaking her heart, I’ve broken my own and I cannot live with that. Whilst I’m eventual inpatient (just waiting for a call from UK’s Crisis Team) I am going to beg for help on quitting smoking successfully. I am going to be on my knees asking for the help I need to STOP FUCKING LYING.
I have also, sadly, taken my engagement ring off. Not as a sign our relationship is over but more as a reminder. Every time I twiddle with my hands, I’m reminded why it’s not there. Every time I go to admire my gorgeous ring, I know I took it off because of how much I hurt my best friend.
Jade, if you’re reading this, which I doubt you will, I want you to know my heart will never stop loving you. If you don’t want to marry me, at least let me be your friend. I can’t imagine a world without you. You and O ARE my world. My world is miserable without you two in it, in fact my heart doesn’t match. I lost one of you, I can’t lose another. I love you with all I have and everything I am.
The Warrior Within 