My Experience of Hallucinations

I experience visual and auditory hallucinations. To me, I am several shades of fucked up.

BACKGROUND: I was sexually abused as a child by a relative, which last between the ages of 7 and 12, and I still remember to this day how he smelt. How cold his hands were. How painful it was. How embarrassing it was. How I lied through my teeth to protect our family. And how painful my first internal examination was. I was 9. Only three people know the extent to which he went.

I will not name my abuser to protect the family he still has. We will call him Bob. He died, painfully, 15 years ago. I was going to get the criminal justice the child in me deserved but he died 3 months before my 16th birthday and to this day I hold much anger at this fact.

His death, as did his life, haunts me. I don’t mourn his passing and I never will. In fact, on my good days I celebrate the fact he’s dead. I mourn for the justice I never got.

CURRENT: I hear two voices. One is a female, whose identity I don’t know, but the only way I can describe her is as though its someone in another room pottering around. She doesn’t bother me very often, luckily. The other voice is Bob.

Bob tells me to do things. He calls me names. He’s a fucking bully. He tells me to attempt to kill myself by various means (I won’t go into them for fear of someone researching ideas) many of which I have tried…and failed. He is a constant. I could be having a great day mentally, catch sight of myself in the mirror and straight away “you ugly whore” will flow into my ears. I could be eating something. Tonight it was a chicken burger, last month it was a salad. And I get “you’re a stupid, fat slag who needs to die”. I get this voice constantly. It’s like living with him 24/7.

When I am super poorly, like I am now, I also see him at the end of my bed and his shadow follows me around. I hear his footsteps. I see his face. I know, and you now know, he has been dead for 15 years but still he haunts me. He was part of my history where he belongs, and where he stays, but when I am mentally unwell, I visually see him. His body is a shimmery black shadow. His face is pure and clear. It’s like he’s back from the dead.

I used to use a medication that blurred him out both auditory and visually. But they took me off that *eye roll* and put me on an anti-psychotic which apparently works similar. It does…when I’m well.

I use a script when I hear the voice. It may sound silly but it goes something like this (I’m going from memory):

1. My name is Tracey, I am in (year) and I am safe
2. Bob is dead and can no longer hurt me
3. I won this battle because I get to be alive. He died.
4. The hallucinations are a figure of my imagination because he is dead.
5. I am in control.
6. I choose to ignore him, in whatever form he pops up in.

If anyone suffers with hearing voices or visual hallucinations, I’d love to hear how you deal with yours. I’m all for trying new and healthy mechanisms.

I owe it to my future self to move on so:

Dear Bob, I’m glad you died a horrific death. I’m glad it was painful, and horrendous, and I’m glad your bed was not surrounded by heaps of family. I hope you’re burning in Hell for what you did to me, you pathetic excuse of a human.