The Fog

I’m starting to think clearer again. Over the past eleven days since my almost fatal overdose, I’m starting to feel more myself.

The doctor on my ward is a tough love kinda guy which works well for people like me, not so much for others who need the namby-pamby approach. He says it like it is, which I have appreciated. They have upped my anti-psychotic and completely changed my anti depressant. Its still in the same family (SSRI) but it works safer with my anti-psychotic. He did explain the ins and outs of it but to be honest all I really understood from pharmacology’s point of view is that it makes the blood around my heart beat the same way, whereas the old one was putting me at risk of cardiac arrest.

I went into town on my own today for the first time in ages and although it was anxiety provoking, I managed it. I needed to as I broke my glasses sleeping in them so the nice guys at Specsavers fixed them for me.

Jade and I are taking things slow again. She feels hurt (and rightfully so) that I have lied to and deceived her but on the same token, she’s taken marriage off the table which has been a hard pill to swallow I won’t lie. Marriage has always been important to me, and marrying the right one for the right reasons.

I have been engaged before to a man who helped produce my wonderful son, and to be honest though I thought I loved him, I didn’t and only agreed to marry him because I thought I was too broken to be loved by anyone else. That relationship was violent too which speaks volumes I guess. Anyway when I first kissed Jade, I knew I’d found “the One” that people gush over. Their best friend. Their soulmate. Their happily ever after.

We have both removed our engagement rings (yet another bitter pill to swallow). There is still a spark between us and when she asked what happens if in 5-6 months time we’re not working, my answer was easy. We keep trying.

Anyway, I digress.

I’m fully back on all my medications at the therapeutic doses, when I am discharged we have decided I am coming back to the family home. I was planning to spend a few weeks elsewhere but to be honest I’ve not got many people with a spare room. And we need me to be there for our King Charles Cavalier, Bella. It also makes sense as we have a second bedroom and I will stay in there, whilst we get our relationship back on track and learn to trust and accept one another again.

I’ve also been kinda forced to sort my shit out because I have a new job in retail starting in November and I also get the pleasure of looking after my little man for a day during his half term.

“I’m not out of the woods just yet but the moon is hiding away, Slowly but surely the sun is rising upon another day. I’ve been in the perfect storm and strength is what the sun is gifting, its taken time and its taken forgiveness, but for me the fog is lifting. TLR”

I hope, just hope and pray, there will be community support when I get out. My GP, Dr E is really good and responds well in a crisis and knows me very well (very rare to get a GP like that nowadays). I hope a CPN will materialise and as part of getting my relationship back on track I am going to seek further support be it counselling, psychotherapy etc even if it is private.

I’m ticking along although I have realised who is actually a friend in these times, and sadly for me, who isn’t. I guess you live and learn. Thank you to those who have reached out to me in my hour of need, who have sent messages of support and left comments and who has seen me at my worst and darkest times). I’ve even had love from Singapore!

Lots of love xxx