Wading Through Grief

I have many experiences of grief. I’ve been to more funerals than I have weddings which is a deep shame.

Everyone who has lost someone goes through the seven stages of grief;

1. Shock and Denial; you may deny the loss or remain in shock for emotional protection.
2. Pain and Guilt; it is important to experience the pain fully (apparently) and not to numb it with drugs or alcohol for this prolongs and hides the grief.
3. Anger and Bargaining; anger is very natural. How dare your higher being/the Universe take your loved one from you? And bargaining is a desperate way to try and bring your loved one back, such as, I will never do a certain activity again in order to bring them back.
4. Reflection and Depression; during this stage you will probably realise the magnitude of your loss which naturally depresses you. This is usually when your outside circle think you have ‘accepted’ the loss but in actual fact, this is probably going to be the longest period.
5. Upward Turn; there’s no sudden epiphany, your life will just become a little calmer and you will begin to learn to live with the loss. Your depression may lift a little too.
6. Reconstruction; as your mind becomes a little more focused, you will start to seek ways to working through your problems well in the knowledge your loved one is no longer with you. This is when people start campaigns, start raising money in their loved ones’ names and the like.
7. Acceptance; this last stage will be the most rewarding, if we can use that word. You learn to accept the reality of your situation. You may start planning things again for the future; it does NOT mean instant happiness will return – it means you will find a way forward. You may even start to enjoy parts of life again.

There is no time limit on grief. It took me 11 years to get to acceptance over the loss of my first child. And that was made easier thanks to my partner who made me a memory box for him.

I’m really struggling, again, with the death of my friend Amber. She tragically took her own life in June 2018. Her funeral was the hardest I’d been to because of the nature of how she died. I’d been to two previous that were also by suicide but I was closest to Amber. The sounds of her dear Mum screaming behind her coffin will never leave me, and reminds me that suicide passes the pain the sufferer feels on.

I have been in touch with Amber’s lovely mum since she died. I went to visit her and had a coffee and she very kindly picked me up from the station and dropped me back off. Bless her, I don’t think she realised I travelled nearly 2 hours on a train to get to her. Not only did the meeting help us both when talking of Amber, her mum also let me sit next to Amber’s memory corner and let me have a few words and tears with my dear friend.

I honestly don’t know how to process Amber’s death, so it must be 100 times worse for those who knew and loved her best. She was the kindest, sassiest and sweetest little sparrow. It helps writing about her. It makes her memory stay alive.

Forever Fletch xxxxxx