Well all my wonderful plans went out of the window didn’t they?
I continued contributing to the breakdown of my relationship so on 22nd January, Jade and I decided enough was enough and we would part and go our separate ways. There was fault on both sides, me moreso but I’ve admitted my wrongdoings quite openly.
With Jade, went our beautiful 6 year old Cavalier Bella and our lovely rented home. Then, just as my new job was a welcome distraction I made a major fuck up and got sacked with immediate effect. My manager was lovely about it but in the space of 26 days I lost my relationship, our dog, our home and then my job.
I managed to find somewhere else to live pretty quickly. Its a cute little place, enough for me to get back on my feet. But then mental health hit big time.
After a serious attempt on my life, and following the return of my dominant voice Bob, I was placed back in the local psychiatric unit as an informal patient. Within days, I was held on a Section 5(2) (Doctor’s holding power for up to 72 hours) and because I was honest about how I felt about my life, they called the Mental Health Act Assessment in which two doctors and an AMHP (Approved Mental Health Professional) determined my mental state. I was then detained on a Section 3 of the MHA which is an assessment and treatment order than can last for up to six months.
Due to my vulnerability and safety concerns I was also placed on 1:1 observations where I had to be in eyesight of a member of staff at all times…even when using the toilet.
I remain on a Section 3, 1:1 observations at night and 15 min observations in the day. I have also lost my liberty/freedom as I have no legal right to leave the grounds until it is reviewed.
So that has been my 2020 so far. A lot of loss, a lot of tears and I am ashamed to say I went off the rails. I made a serious attempt on my life, started self harming again and have no idea when I’ll get out of hospital.
My parents and brothers have been amazing in getting my new place ready for me to come home to. Everything is beginning to slot into place…just without me.
Today was the first day in ages I woke up feeling positive, focussed, and I had this weird dream last night where I stepped off a high ledge into clouds and halfway down I wished there was a protective trampoline because I’d changed my mind. I believe my dream was significant.
So I wrote a poem about some of the things I’d miss if I were to die. It was quite eye opening to be honest. Some of the little things I’d miss, as well as the big things.
That’s all from me from the time being.
TLR xxx
The Warrior Within 