Well, it was pretty pointless buying a 2020 diary and wall calendar wasn’t it?! I’ve not posted since March and a lot has happened considering its been Lockdown due to Covid-19. I hope everyone has been keeping safe and well and adhering to advice given as per personal circumstances dictate. I’ve been tested four times since Covid-19 hit us back in March 2020. Thankfully all have come back negative.
So I ended up in hospital in March twice with my asthma, and potential Coronavirus. Thankfully, despite symptoms, it was an exacerbation of my asthma and the longest time I was in was 5 days. God bless our NHS (UK).
Lockdown hit me hard. I’d just moved out from the house I shared with Jade, lost my job, came out of a psychiatric hospital and was hit with immediate 12 week lockdown due to my severe asthma. It was hard. Fucking hard to be honest. I don’t like my own company at the best of times and it’s different being told you can’t go out to choosing not to go out ha! I really struggled with the loneliness and my Mum did her best to make sure I had shopping, fresh milk, prescriptions and a bit of company. She is a key worker and was able to pop and see me every now and then. It felt weird not speaking to Jade four times a day like we used to. I felt lost, lonely and took it really bad.
Gradually though, I started to accept my own company and Jade and I came to an agreement where we socially distanced once a week at mine, and spoke twice a day to get me through Lockdown. This has, as restrictions have eased, got less which has been challenging mentally.
On 7th June 2020 I wrote four suicide letters and took a massive overdose. Even by my standards it was a big one. It landed me in resus and ICU for two days. They discharged me completely with no follow up on 12th June. I have very clear memories thinking I was actually going to die and I just wanted my Mum. I got them to ring my Mum on the 8th just as the medications were starting to take effect and I was on my way to ICU. I asked the doctor if I was going to die and he just said “you’re improving” before turning to the nurse saying if I wasn’t in ICU in 20 minutes, I was going to die. I cried for my Mum. I cried for my son. I cried for Jade. All whom had letters waiting for them. They tried 18 times to get a cannula in my wrist but my veins/arteries are so weak it failed, and as anyone who has had them, they were painful. But because I took over 70 prescription only painkillers, they were taking effect and it wasn’t as painful as it could have been. I had 18 holes in my wrists, whacking great bruises and I still hadn’t died.
I bounced back pretty quickly, and this lasted all of two weeks.
Things got really heated about four weeks ago. The doctor was doing a general review about my mental health and I admitted it had been persistently low. He suggested changing my medication and he swapped my current one which is better for anxiety, to another which was better for low mood. I fell into crisis pretty quickly after the switching of the meds; there was no cross titration or anything, just a switch. I ended up under the Crisis Team, who admitted me to an out of area hospital four days after being under them.
The doctor seemed to be an absolute prick to me. He called me difficult, obstructive and unhelpful, all because I didn’t know what I wanted. I was discharged after a 3 day stay and they sent me home in a taxi which they paid for luckily.
I have been managing ok on the whole. I spent 10 days living with my Mum and brother to settle me into life again which was lovely, but hard work trying to get my sleep routine back on form, getting my meds down me again and just generally building my confidence again.
I’ve been out of hospital nearly three weeks and although I’m wobbling, I’m managing. My lovely Mum has redecorated most of my caravan during Lockdown to make it a bit more homely which has worked wonders. I’m in the process of renovating my walk in wardrobe/extremely small single room into a study.
Oh did I forget to mention? I’VE HAD MY STUDY APPROVED!
I’m going to be a student of a well known University studying the LLM (Masters) and LPC (Legal Practice Course) to take the final academic step in becoming a solicitor, 10 years after graduating from my LLB.
I’ve also been approved to do an Emotional Regulation Pathway under the NHS which I think is year-long. It’s 2 sessions a week, one group, one individual and I think it works a little like STEPPS which I did in rehab. Building on skills already achieved or learning new skills to regulate emotions better. I’m going to be a busy little bee as of September.
I’ve set up a few Instagrams; my personal one changes but at the moment: @tlr2189
Weight loss and CHROME @weighdaywarriors
Legal life and study @legallifeinsquares
Poetry page @thewritewayforward
One for my dog lol @rescue.cav.bella (don’t judge, I was awake and it was 3am lol)
Til next time folks, take care and hopefully I’ll post before I return to University in September.
TLR xxx
The Warrior Within 