I last wrote in July 2020 and have LOTS to update you on!
The summer was pretty slow for me. I started the Emotion Regulation Pathway in August 2020 which was pretty basic to begin with but we concentrated mainly on Impulsivity which I tend to struggle with. I have found that continuing with it is actually really difficult for me personally because I’ve already covered these topics as part of my rehabilitation process and the Dialectal Behaviour Therapy skills I was taught. In one way its like teaching me to suck eggs because its quite simplistic when I have already got these tools but in greater depth but also it’s a perfect time to refresh my skills…after all, we never stop learning and I’m all for self-development. I think this ERP course should be rolled out nationally so that it can reach more people who struggle with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and I thank God that the Government and the NHS are finally throwing money at a diagnosis that they are trained to treat but judge instead. I continue attending this course, and having one on one calls with my Care Co-Ordinator P who is learning how to handle me, and I am still learning to trust her still. I’m very fortunate to have access to this ERP course, and would fully recommend it even for the expert patient like myself, but it’s a brilliant tool for those who struggle with EUPD.
I have been studying away, keeping my nose in books and my bum in my little office space that my Mum and I created. I started the LLM LPC on 14th September 2020 and I sat sobbing down the phone to Jade two days later saying how overwhelmed I felt and I was only two days in! It’s a very full on course, the most intense course with over 15 exams and a dissertation. I knew from word go I could not do it.
After a heartfelt sob to Jade and therapy cuddles from our dog Bella, I decided that – for many reasons – I was going to quit.
So the very next day I called the course manager and explained my reasonings. She was sad to let me go but in order to protect my mental health which I’ve spent so long building resilience for, and to prevent burnout and a breakdown before Christmas, I withdrew. There was also issues with my criminal record which would have implications on my ability to practice temporarily. But the main reason was my mental health and how I wouldn’t have coped.
I was verbally offered a place on the Health Law and Ethics Masters course, which I accepted immediately. I planned to do my LLM part of the LLM LPC on Mental Health to enable me to work towards a career crossing Law and Mental Health, but the most interesting subjects were on the Health Law and Ethics LLM!
I successfully transferred onto the new course and started that in October and can honestly say it was the best thing I could ever have done. There is only a little pressure instead of the mass amounts on the old course. Obviously that means I don’t do my solicitor training but that’s ok as there are other ways of qualifying if I want to go down that route at a later date.
I’m absolutely loving my course. I’m currently doing Employer and Health Law, Legal Structure of Health and Mental Health/Capacity. I’ve sent some feelers out for work experience in Advocacy as I think I would make an excellent Independent Mental Health Advocate. I get to use my stationary, my office, on Teams as Nottingham is in lockdown (and Derby has just announced they’re in Tier 2) and I am studying subjects I am genuinely interested in. I am not looking forward to Christmas; all my assignments are due in January so I’m planning on dedicating a week per topic over the Christmas period to ensure a fair amount of time is spent on them, and they are given enough time and attention. It would mean the world to me to gain a Distinction in my Masters and this is what I’m aiming for.
Health wise I’m not doing too great. I’ve started working out at home and spending less time at the gym swimming but this will change once I’ve sorted my life out!
I had to go for regular blood tests as I’ve been having some undesirable symptoms which are affecting my life. Anyway, they came back and amongst other things which need medication to correct, and a vitamin deficiency, my bloods are in the diabetes range. I was advised to lose as much weight as possible between now and Christmas when I have repeat blood tests to confirm a diagnosis for diabetes. Oh the JOYS.
On a more positive note, with regard my faith of Christianity, I have been giving a lot of thought to the Lord and our relationship. We fall out from time to time but at the end of every day I give thanks for the day I’ve had, and every morning I nod to God to thank Him for giving me another day to make a difference.
I have some amazing people in my God Squad. I have a lady who met me 8 years ago and has walked the long walk with me. She’s an amazing woman and I had the pleasure of attending her ordination, and we’ve shared many a cuppa, tissue and prayer. She has walked with me through vines and spikes and the good too. My Dad has helped by sharing his wisdom since he found his faith 5 years ago. And more recently, my church family at a church in my hometown who I’ve Zoomed with, been present at, given my testimony too etc.
Well I have decided to deepen my relationship with God by getting confirmed and this wonderful ceremony will happen at the end of November 2020. I am being guided by my Squad and Christ himself, and know this is the right step to take at the right time. I hope to share photos and a testimony on my social media accounts once this joyous event has occurred.
I’m really proud of my progress. Jade and I have been in couples’ counselling since September and its been really helpful, although really rocky. It’s not an easy road admitting your faults. But we’re both committed to working at getting back together. Last week in particular was very difficult due to an admission on my part which hurt Jade and I felt a great deal of shame. I punished myself, by self-harming superficially which really angered me as I hadn’t cut in 4 years. Jade has been brilliant, as usual, I think her anger management in July time really helped as she’s changed so much in the way she handles things and emotions.
We are getting on a lot better, we’re a lot closer and I have quit smoking (again) for us but mainly for my own benefit. The diabetes scare got me really wound up and I was convinced I was going to die in my sleep from a heart attack which I didn’t want.
I jokingly said to Jade, I’ve been suicidal for years and now I’m not, life’s trying to kill me off!
But I’m going to work at better health all round and give myself a break. Nourishment, not punishment as Jade says.
I’ll probably write again in the New Year as things will gradually get more and more hectic with the run up to the end of term.
I hope all my readers are safe, well and looking after themselves. Lots of love! xx
The Warrior Within 