Home Leave

Hospital was becoming less effective and although I am not “fixed”, I thought I was at least on my way.

I was supposed to go on leave Friday to Sunday and then back for discharge Monday morning but I made the informed decision that I wanted to get back to my ‘normal’ as soon as possible, with the support of the ward in the background just in case. So, on Wednesday, I came home bringing all my belongings and waiting ages for my medication to arrive from pharmacy.

It feels awkward being home. I’m lonely, sad and its difficult not being able to ‘be’ myself, and ‘be’ with Jade. She feels the same.

I slept in the spare room last night, as we arranged, and I sobbed myself to sleep. Jade kept coming in to make sure I was ok as I was holding back tears. So she kept hanging around until I was unable to hold it in anymore. I went through countless, snotty tissues and hugged my bear so tight I thought I might squeeze the stuffing out of her. Poor Sylvia.

I slept really well considering I’d pretty much cried myself to sleep. Wanting to hold Jade, touch her, fall asleep together, kiss her on her head is fucking hard not being able to do (these are jointly decided ground rules).

Another reason I felt lonely last night was because Jade went to weekly gang chats. Its where Jade, her sister and oldest friend (and usually me) turn up, have tea and coffee and generally whinge or celebrate things that had happened that week. I sent the gang a message saying I didn’t feel right coming back to gang chats just yet, until Jade had settled the ground and explained our little progress. I won’t lie, it hurt not to hear anything from either of them. Not even a “come anyway, we’ll talk” or a “fuck off you’re not welcome anymore” (because I’ve hurt Jade). One of the ladies doesn’t know how to articulate her anger with me, which is fine she will manage in her own time, and the other has semi-forgiven me.

I thought about going back to the ward but then I second thought and figured well I have to get used to life again, however awkward and difficult. So I didn’t even ring.

And, in keeping with usual routine, I returned to my Slimming World group this morning. I. Gained. Six. Pounds. In a fortnight. I’m so cross with myself but have to gently remind myself, hospital food and lack of exercise has contributed to this, as has bad choices. I’m going to go through our freezer and cupboards today to meal plan.

However hard it is being home, it’s much better than being on the ward. Being accused by poorly and often psychotic patients that I’m “stealing their identity” purely because we have the same name. Mate, I don’t even want my own identity let alone yours.

I’m grateful for my friends who have been there for me. For people who still answer the phone to me with a happy hi. For people who are willing to forgive me (note, I haven’t said “forgiven”).

Lots of love, TLR xxx