The Warrior Within

Changes, Changes

I last wrote in July 2020 and have LOTS to update you on!

The summer was pretty slow for me. I started the Emotion Regulation Pathway in August 2020 which was pretty basic to begin with but we concentrated mainly on Impulsivity which I tend to struggle with. I have found that continuing with it is actually really difficult for me personally because I’ve already covered these topics as part of my rehabilitation process and the Dialectal Behaviour Therapy skills I was taught. In one way its like teaching me to suck eggs because its quite simplistic when I have already got these tools but in greater depth but also it’s a perfect time to refresh my skills…after all, we never stop learning and I’m all for self-development. I think this ERP course should be rolled out nationally so that it can reach more people who struggle with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder and I thank God that the Government and the NHS are finally throwing money at a diagnosis that they are trained to treat but judge instead. I continue attending this course, and having one on one calls with my Care Co-Ordinator P who is learning how to handle me, and I am still learning to trust her still. I’m very fortunate to have access to this ERP course, and would fully recommend it even for the expert patient like myself, but it’s a brilliant tool for those who struggle with EUPD.

I have been studying away, keeping my nose in books and my bum in my little office space that my Mum and I created. I started the LLM LPC on 14^th September 2020 and I sat sobbing down the phone to Jade two days later saying how overwhelmed I felt and I was only two days in! It’s a very full on course, the most intense course with over 15 exams and a dissertation. I knew from word go I could not do it.

After a heartfelt sob to Jade and therapy cuddles from our dog Bella, I decided that – for many reasons – I was going to quit.

So the very next day I called the course manager and explained my reasonings. She was sad to let me go but in order to protect my mental health which I’ve spent so long building resilience for, and to prevent burnout and a breakdown before Christmas, I withdrew. There was also issues with my criminal record which would have implications on my ability to practice temporarily. But the main reason was my mental health and how I wouldn’t have coped.

I was verbally offered a place on the Health Law and Ethics Masters course, which I accepted immediately. I planned to do my LLM part of the LLM LPC on Mental Health to enable me to work towards a career crossing Law and Mental Health, but the most interesting subjects were on the Health Law and Ethics LLM!

I successfully transferred onto the new course and started that in October and can honestly say it was the best thing I could ever have done. There is only a little pressure instead of the mass amounts on the old course. Obviously that means I don’t do my solicitor training but that’s ok as there are other ways of qualifying if I want to go down that route at a later date.

I’m absolutely loving my course. I’m currently doing Employer and Health Law, Legal Structure of Health and Mental Health/Capacity. I’ve sent some feelers out for work experience in Advocacy as I think I would make an excellent Independent Mental Health Advocate. I get to use my stationary, my office, on Teams as Nottingham is in lockdown (and Derby has just announced they’re in Tier 2) and I am studying subjects I am genuinely interested in. I am not looking forward to Christmas; all my assignments are due in January so I’m planning on dedicating a week per topic over the Christmas period to ensure a fair amount of time is spent on them, and they are given enough time and attention. It would mean the world to me to gain a Distinction in my Masters and this is what I’m aiming for.

Health wise I’m not doing too great. I’ve started working out at home and spending less time at the gym swimming but this will change once I’ve sorted my life out!

I had to go for regular blood tests as I’ve been having some undesirable symptoms which are affecting my life. Anyway, they came back and amongst other things which need medication to correct, and a vitamin deficiency, my bloods are in the diabetes range. I was advised to lose as much weight as possible between now and Christmas when I have repeat blood tests to confirm a diagnosis for diabetes. Oh the JOYS.

On a more positive note, with regard my faith of Christianity, I have been giving a lot of thought to the Lord and our relationship. We fall out from time to time but at the end of every day I give thanks for the day I’ve had, and every morning I nod to God to thank Him for giving me another day to make a difference.

I have some amazing people in my God Squad. I have a lady who met me 8 years ago and has walked the long walk with me. She’s an amazing woman and I had the pleasure of attending her ordination, and we’ve shared many a cuppa, tissue and prayer. She has walked with me through vines and spikes and the good too. My Dad has helped by sharing his wisdom since he found his faith 5 years ago. And more recently, my church family at a church in my hometown who I’ve Zoomed with, been present at, given my testimony too etc.

Well I have decided to deepen my relationship with God by getting confirmed and this wonderful ceremony will happen at the end of November 2020. I am being guided by my Squad and Christ himself, and know this is the right step to take at the right time. I hope to share photos and a testimony on my social media accounts once this joyous event has occurred.

I’m really proud of my progress. Jade and I have been in couples’ counselling since September and its been really helpful, although really rocky. It’s not an easy road admitting your faults. But we’re both committed to working at getting back together. Last week in particular was very difficult due to an admission on my part which hurt Jade and I felt a great deal of shame. I punished myself, by self-harming superficially which really angered me as I hadn’t cut in 4 years. Jade has been brilliant, as usual, I think her anger management in July time really helped as she’s changed so much in the way she handles things and emotions.

We are getting on a lot better, we’re a lot closer and I have quit smoking (again) for us but mainly for my own benefit. The diabetes scare got me really wound up and I was convinced I was going to die in my sleep from a heart attack which I didn’t want.

I jokingly said to Jade, I’ve been suicidal for years and now I’m not, life’s trying to kill me off!

But I’m going to work at better health all round and give myself a break. Nourishment, not punishment as Jade says.

I’ll probably write again in the New Year as things will gradually get more and more hectic with the run up to the end of term.

I hope all my readers are safe, well and looking after themselves. Lots of love! xx

July 2020: Surviving Lockdown

Well, it was pretty pointless buying a 2020 diary and wall calendar wasn’t it?! I’ve not posted since March and a lot has happened considering its been Lockdown due to Covid-19. I hope everyone has been keeping safe and well and adhering to advice given as per personal circumstances dictate. I’ve been tested four times since Covid-19 hit us back in March 2020. Thankfully all have come back negative.

So I ended up in hospital in March twice with my asthma, and potential Coronavirus. Thankfully, despite symptoms, it was an exacerbation of my asthma and the longest time I was in was 5 days. God bless our NHS (UK).

Lockdown hit me hard. I’d just moved out from the house I shared with Jade, lost my job, came out of a psychiatric hospital and was hit with immediate 12 week lockdown due to my severe asthma. It was hard. Fucking hard to be honest. I don’t like my own company at the best of times and it’s different being told you can’t go out to choosing not to go out ha! I really struggled with the loneliness and my Mum did her best to make sure I had shopping, fresh milk, prescriptions and a bit of company. She is a key worker and was able to pop and see me every now and then. It felt weird not speaking to Jade four times a day like we used to. I felt lost, lonely and took it really bad.

Gradually though, I started to accept my own company and Jade and I came to an agreement where we socially distanced once a week at mine, and spoke twice a day to get me through Lockdown. This has, as restrictions have eased, got less which has been challenging mentally.

On 7th June 2020 I wrote four suicide letters and took a massive overdose. Even by my standards it was a big one. It landed me in resus and ICU for two days. They discharged me completely with no follow up on 12th June. I have very clear memories thinking I was actually going to die and I just wanted my Mum. I got them to ring my Mum on the 8th just as the medications were starting to take effect and I was on my way to ICU. I asked the doctor if I was going to die and he just said “you’re improving” before turning to the nurse saying if I wasn’t in ICU in 20 minutes, I was going to die. I cried for my Mum. I cried for my son. I cried for Jade. All whom had letters waiting for them. They tried 18 times to get a cannula in my wrist but my veins/arteries are so weak it failed, and as anyone who has had them, they were painful. But because I took over 70 prescription only painkillers, they were taking effect and it wasn’t as painful as it could have been. I had 18 holes in my wrists, whacking great bruises and I still hadn’t died.

I bounced back pretty quickly, and this lasted all of two weeks.

Things got really heated about four weeks ago. The doctor was doing a general review about my mental health and I admitted it had been persistently low. He suggested changing my medication and he swapped my current one which is better for anxiety, to another which was better for low mood. I fell into crisis pretty quickly after the switching of the meds; there was no cross titration or anything, just a switch. I ended up under the Crisis Team, who admitted me to an out of area hospital four days after being under them.

The doctor seemed to be an absolute prick to me. He called me difficult, obstructive and unhelpful, all because I didn’t know what I wanted. I was discharged after a 3 day stay and they sent me home in a taxi which they paid for luckily.

I have been managing ok on the whole. I spent 10 days living with my Mum and brother to settle me into life again which was lovely, but hard work trying to get my sleep routine back on form, getting my meds down me again and just generally building my confidence again.

I’ve been out of hospital nearly three weeks and although I’m wobbling, I’m managing. My lovely Mum has redecorated most of my caravan during Lockdown to make it a bit more homely which has worked wonders. I’m in the process of renovating my walk in wardrobe/extremely small single room into a study.

Oh did I forget to mention? I’VE HAD MY STUDY APPROVED!

I’m going to be a student of a well known University studying the LLM (Masters) and LPC (Legal Practice Course) to take the final academic step in becoming a solicitor, 10 years after graduating from my LLB.

I’ve also been approved to do an Emotional Regulation Pathway under the NHS which I think is year-long. It’s 2 sessions a week, one group, one individual and I think it works a little like STEPPS which I did in rehab. Building on skills already achieved or learning new skills to regulate emotions better. I’m going to be a busy little bee as of September.

I’ve set up a few Instagrams; my personal one changes but at the moment: @tlr2189

Weight loss and CHROME @weighdaywarriors

Legal life and study @legallifeinsquares

Poetry page @thewritewayforward

One for my dog lol @rescue.cav.bella (don’t judge, I was awake and it was 3am lol)

Til next time folks, take care and hopefully I’ll post before I return to University in September.

TLR xxx

It’s Only February…

Well all my wonderful plans went out of the window didn’t they?

I continued contributing to the breakdown of my relationship so on 22nd January, Jade and I decided enough was enough and we would part and go our separate ways. There was fault on both sides, me moreso but I’ve admitted my wrongdoings quite openly.

With Jade, went our beautiful 6 year old Cavalier Bella and our lovely rented home. Then, just as my new job was a welcome distraction I made a major fuck up and got sacked with immediate effect. My manager was lovely about it but in the space of 26 days I lost my relationship, our dog, our home and then my job.

I managed to find somewhere else to live pretty quickly. Its a cute little place, enough for me to get back on my feet. But then mental health hit big time.

After a serious attempt on my life, and following the return of my dominant voice Bob, I was placed back in the local psychiatric unit as an informal patient. Within days, I was held on a Section 5(2) (Doctor’s holding power for up to 72 hours) and because I was honest about how I felt about my life, they called the Mental Health Act Assessment in which two doctors and an AMHP (Approved Mental Health Professional) determined my mental state. I was then detained on a Section 3 of the MHA which is an assessment and treatment order than can last for up to six months.

Due to my vulnerability and safety concerns I was also placed on 1:1 observations where I had to be in eyesight of a member of staff at all times…even when using the toilet.

I remain on a Section 3, 1:1 observations at night and 15 min observations in the day. I have also lost my liberty/freedom as I have no legal right to leave the grounds until it is reviewed.

So that has been my 2020 so far. A lot of loss, a lot of tears and I am ashamed to say I went off the rails. I made a serious attempt on my life, started self harming again and have no idea when I’ll get out of hospital.

My parents and brothers have been amazing in getting my new place ready for me to come home to. Everything is beginning to slot into place…just without me.

Today was the first day in ages I woke up feeling positive, focussed, and I had this weird dream last night where I stepped off a high ledge into clouds and halfway down I wished there was a protective trampoline because I’d changed my mind. I believe my dream was significant.

So I wrote a poem about some of the things I’d miss if I were to die. It was quite eye opening to be honest. Some of the little things I’d miss, as well as the big things.

That’s all from me from the time being.

TLR xxx

2020

2019 was pretty shit.

I was in a psychiatric unit four times, spent the majority of it unwell, lost another friend to suicide in October (A.T), broke up with the love of my life in November and December lost my temporary job in retail.

BUUUUUUTTTTT……

2020 is finally upon us and I have made some pretty good life decisions. I have decided to give up smoking, concentrate on Slimming World again and actually achieve a decent weight, stop fibbing (I panic-lie)/be more honest and practice self control when it comes to food and money.

I also start 2020 with a new job in Law. I interviewed on 6th January and she called me back two days later offering me the position. It’s full time and its just over an hour’s commute but it’ll be worth it. I’ll be working in Private Client which means Wills and Probate, Power of Attorneys, estates and trusts etc so time to squeeze some revision in before I start as I don’t want to look completely thick.

Late 2019 (December), I decided to start putting some action into my goals. So I applied for my Masters in Law and my Legal Practice Course to run concurrently starting September 2020 and I have sent my application prior to New Year; I’m just waiting on my reference.

2020 is going to be an amazing year. I’m restarting my legal career, making changes to benefit my health overall and kicking the year off with a job offer is pretty good going. I’m gonna win back my soulmate too.

As you will see from the time of publication, I’ve been struggling with my sleep recently. Its 5am here in the UK and I’m tired but not enough to sleep. So I thought I’d hop on and give you an update as to what’s going off.

Mentally, I feel great. I know I dip every 3-4 months which means February/March time but if I can change old patterns of behaviours I think I will manage it without Crisis Team/Home Treatment Team involvement which will be such a boost for me.

I’m not knocking the CT at all; in many ways they’ve been great but I’d like to think now my life is making sense a bit more, that I’ll handle my dip differently.

How do you handle your dips? What mechanisms do you put in place ready for a downfall in your mental health? I’d love to steal your tips!

Wading Through Grief

I have many experiences of grief. I’ve been to more funerals than I have weddings which is a deep shame.

Everyone who has lost someone goes through the seven stages of grief;

Shock and Denial; you may deny the loss or remain in shock for emotional protection.
Pain and Guilt; it is important to experience the pain fully (apparently) and not to numb it with drugs or alcohol for this prolongs and hides the grief.
Anger and Bargaining; anger is very natural. How dare your higher being/the Universe take your loved one from you? And bargaining is a desperate way to try and bring your loved one back, such as, I will never do a certain activity again in order to bring them back.
Reflection and Depression; during this stage you will probably realise the magnitude of your loss which naturally depresses you. This is usually when your outside circle think you have ‘accepted’ the loss but in actual fact, this is probably going to be the longest period.
Upward Turn; there’s no sudden epiphany, your life will just become a little calmer and you will begin to learn to live with the loss. Your depression may lift a little too.
Reconstruction; as your mind becomes a little more focused, you will start to seek ways to working through your problems well in the knowledge your loved one is no longer with you. This is when people start campaigns, start raising money in their loved ones’ names and the like.
Acceptance; this last stage will be the most rewarding, if we can use that word. You learn to accept the reality of your situation. You may start planning things again for the future; it does NOT mean instant happiness will return – it means you will find a way forward. You may even start to enjoy parts of life again.

There is no time limit on grief. It took me 11 years to get to acceptance over the loss of my first child. And that was made easier thanks to my partner who made me a memory box for him.

I’m really struggling, again, with the death of my friend Amber. She tragically took her own life in June 2018. Her funeral was the hardest I’d been to because of the nature of how she died. I’d been to two previous that were also by suicide but I was closest to Amber. The sounds of her dear Mum screaming behind her coffin will never leave me, and reminds me that suicide passes the pain the sufferer feels on.

I have been in touch with Amber’s lovely mum since she died. I went to visit her and had a coffee and she very kindly picked me up from the station and dropped me back off. Bless her, I don’t think she realised I travelled nearly 2 hours on a train to get to her. Not only did the meeting help us both when talking of Amber, her mum also let me sit next to Amber’s memory corner and let me have a few words and tears with my dear friend.

I honestly don’t know how to process Amber’s death, so it must be 100 times worse for those who knew and loved her best. She was the kindest, sassiest and sweetest little sparrow. It helps writing about her. It makes her memory stay alive.

Forever Fletch xxxxxx

Honesty/Hypocrisy: You Choose

I have never professed to be perfect. In fact, in my family, I’m the fuck up. The black sheep. The disappointment. And no this isn’t a beg for “oh surely not” comments; I genuinely am and I’ve radically accepted that. And, at times, I live up to it.

I recently posted a video on my Facebook and Instagram about how open we should be about mental health, and how I hope my son’s generation will focus on mental illness as much as they do the flu jab, checking our breasts and prostate.

I said I genuinely hoped all my friends were ok and that the world needs them. It was a lovely message, I thought. Good sentiment, good intention and I received some really sweet and supportive messages.

But I am the biggest hypocrite going. I will tell others to ring the Samaritans (24/7, 365 days a year on 116 123) but due to our story being the feature of a special campaign (Small Talk Saves Lives), I don’t feel I can ring them. I comment on people’s social media how strong they are and how they shouldn’t give up but behind closed doors, I am sinking.

I was given some community support post-discharge by the Early Discharge Team which is umbrella-d by the Crisis Team. He came out to see me on a promised day’s follow up, stayed for 15 minutes and asked very little. We planned a meet for today (25^th) and he called me at 3.15pm to ask if he could visit. Due to miscommunication which was a matter of 5-6 minutes, he’d filled his appointment and said he would see me tomorrow as he finished at 5. It was a good job I’d been to see my lovely GP today, because I was honest with him as I would have been with the community guy.

I wish people like that community guy realised that those who suffer with mental illness don’t just struggle 9-5. We suffer daily, nightly, 24/7, all the time, however you want to put it.

I encourage others to reach out for help yet I don’t myself. I would rather suffer in silence than burden other people. I keep it all inside for fear of scaring people away. When I do reach out (on the rare occasion) it’s often me with unhelpful comments or dismissal which, as part of my diagnosis dictates, I don’t deal with rejection very well. I’d rather suffer in silence than risk being rejected.

There you have it. I’m the biggest hypocrite going, as has been pointed out to me since my Facebook video. I’m sad and depressed. I’m lonely despite being around people. I don’t know how I’m coping. I’m vulnerable, weak, in the throws of grief and despair, and still trying to maintain a standard façade because one thing I passionately HATE about EUPD is that it is assumed I am manipulative.

Don’t expect much from me right now. I’m sorry xxx

Why Suicide Isn’t Selfish

**TRIGGER WARNING** This blog post mentions suicide, suicidality and feelings and emotions attached to this action. There will be no disclosure on specific methods, means and if you are feeling suicidal now please Google your local Crisis Centre, hospital or if, like me, you’re in the UK, the Samaritans are there 24/7, 365 days a year on 116 123. Call someone. Be with someone. Why? Because you ARE someone.

Suicide. We all know the word. I’d say probably over half of us have been directly affected by losing someone we love to mental illness.

You probably know from previous blog posts that I have lost three friends to suicide. Each one I’ve handled differently due to the difference in my own mental health at the time of losing them. And I’ve lost count of the number of times I have ended up in hospital (both general and psychiatric) due to my own attempts. Some have been a cry for help, others have been with the deepest intent of ending my life.

If I described my three friends to you, cowardly would be the last word I’d use. They were brave, sassy, funny, bright, fearless, bold and I didn’t see any of them ending their lives. They had families who adored them. They had friends and plenty of them. They were well thought of. But inside their beautiful, scar-adorned bodies, lie insecurities that they dare not share.

They woke up every day fighting battles you couldn’t imagine for the families they were putting a brave front on for. They were all haunted by demons they couldn’t get rid of. They had poorly minds.

I get that. On my last attempt that left me in respiratory failure, the only thought running through my head was “well I’m always letting them down, but at least this’ll be the last time I do it”. You aren’t thinking clearly. You’re not thinking impartially. You’re not thinking logically. In their unbalanced mind, they are thinking of their family and how less of a burden they’ll be. How missed they’ll not be. How life would be better off if they weren’t around.

How fucking wrong were they?

I’m not advocating suicide by any stretch of the imagination. In fact I would encourage everyone who felt this way to reach out for help because you deserve it. You could feel as shitty as you’ve ever felt, you could feel unimportant to the world but in three months, three years, three decades time you could be walking up the aisle to someone who loves you for you, or you could be reading to your grandchildren. Your current situation doesn’t dictate your destination.

This post has gone completely off track to what I thought I’d be writing. The power of the mind hey?

The second funeral I went to, I was in a bad way myself and thought that if someone as colourful as her could end her life, what was I doing alive? I had hoped that her funeral would be a shock to the system to me. Like, for goodness sake, THIS is what you’ll do to your loved ones. But in my poorly mind, I didn’t care.

The third funeral I went to I went in a better frame of mind, admittedly, but what will always stay with me is the agonising cry of my friend’s mother as she followed the coffin. I still have moments to this day where I wonder if my parents would react the same.

Losing the 2017 woman to suicide has hit me real hard. I still struggle with her death 16 months on. I have been to her childhood home, sat with her parents, and sat with her memory corner and had a good old sob. Out of all us in that little gang, I thought she’d be the one to make it. To go on and make that difference. But her beautiful soul was too fragile for this world, and I hope her parents make the difference she was born to make in her memory.

I feel like I’m rambling now, and I’m upsetting myself so I will write more when I’m stronger.

In memory of J.T (2016), I.B (2017) and A.F (2018); our delicate angels who rushed to Heaven too soon, with love xxx

Bouncing Back

On Monday 21st October 2019 I was discharged from the psychiatric ward. I had mixed feelings as I only feel about 70% well and leave didn’t go that well. I came back to the ward Saturday night (due back Sunday night) as I’d tried everything I possibly could to keep myself distracted and busy. But I still couldn’t manage the intrusive thoughts; they were too much. So I went back to be supported by the professionals.

I actually spent Sunday in A&E for an unrelated matter; my blood pressure and saturation levels were all really high and the duty doctor wrote me a letter to go the Royal with. I had deeply slurred speech, could barely walk and was extremely drowsy. I felt as if I’d taken a massive overdose AND was heavily hungover. It was awful. I had bloods done to rule out anything on there, I had a slight infection but nothing to warrant antibiotics and a head X-Ray and CT scan to rule out a mini stroke. I was very well looked after and they put it down to cross titrating my medications and messing them all around, plus the minor infection.

With leave not going so well and having to return to the ward there was doubt whether I would actually be discharged, but I was upon everyone’s agreement. My only concern was community support, or lack thereof.

Today, 22nd, the Early Discharge Team (a branch of the Crisis Team) came to see me for 10 minutes. Dropped in, made sure I was still alive and well, and promised me a follow up with the psychiatrist in 4-6 weeks. I also mentioned I’d spent a good 40 minutes waiting to speak to a GP receptionist about receiving a call back on Friday but I have to call on the day now *eye roll*. They said the re-referral for a CPN was still pending, but the chances of being given another CPN are slim to none.

I do intend to write a post on my friend Amber, whose suicide 16 months ago, I have been struggling with, but I will only write this with her family having control over it’s edit. I am bringing this up now because a woman called Ali messaged me out of the blue this week completely understanding where I sat with Amber’s death on my heavy heart, due to having no one to support her who knew Amber either. I hope we will be a form of support for each other, and Ali if you’re reading this, don’t give up. She wouldn’t want you to xxx

So that’s me back in the community. Bouncing back one step, or a hundred, at a time. I’ve rejoined Slimming World as I mentioned before but I’m down seeing my son at the moment and obviously did not expect to go back into hospital eating hospital food for a further two days, and I’ve got a start date for my new job. Training in less than three weeks time.

Things with Jade are plodding along and I’m going to do some independent research on individual and couples’ counselling on Thursday whilst Jade is at work. We, but especially I, need it.

Sometimes you just gotta hit rock bottom to bounce back/spring back up. And up I will.

Lots a love xxx

Home Leave

Hospital was becoming less effective and although I am not “fixed”, I thought I was at least on my way.

I was supposed to go on leave Friday to Sunday and then back for discharge Monday morning but I made the informed decision that I wanted to get back to my ‘normal’ as soon as possible, with the support of the ward in the background just in case. So, on Wednesday, I came home bringing all my belongings and waiting ages for my medication to arrive from pharmacy.

It feels awkward being home. I’m lonely, sad and its difficult not being able to ‘be’ myself, and ‘be’ with Jade. She feels the same.

I slept in the spare room last night, as we arranged, and I sobbed myself to sleep. Jade kept coming in to make sure I was ok as I was holding back tears. So she kept hanging around until I was unable to hold it in anymore. I went through countless, snotty tissues and hugged my bear so tight I thought I might squeeze the stuffing out of her. Poor Sylvia.

I slept really well considering I’d pretty much cried myself to sleep. Wanting to hold Jade, touch her, fall asleep together, kiss her on her head is fucking hard not being able to do (these are jointly decided ground rules).

Another reason I felt lonely last night was because Jade went to weekly gang chats. Its where Jade, her sister and oldest friend (and usually me) turn up, have tea and coffee and generally whinge or celebrate things that had happened that week. I sent the gang a message saying I didn’t feel right coming back to gang chats just yet, until Jade had settled the ground and explained our little progress. I won’t lie, it hurt not to hear anything from either of them. Not even a “come anyway, we’ll talk” or a “fuck off you’re not welcome anymore” (because I’ve hurt Jade). One of the ladies doesn’t know how to articulate her anger with me, which is fine she will manage in her own time, and the other has semi-forgiven me.

I thought about going back to the ward but then I second thought and figured well I have to get used to life again, however awkward and difficult. So I didn’t even ring.

And, in keeping with usual routine, I returned to my Slimming World group this morning. I. Gained. Six. Pounds. In a fortnight. I’m so cross with myself but have to gently remind myself, hospital food and lack of exercise has contributed to this, as has bad choices. I’m going to go through our freezer and cupboards today to meal plan.

However hard it is being home, it’s much better than being on the ward. Being accused by poorly and often psychotic patients that I’m “stealing their identity” purely because we have the same name. Mate, I don’t even want my own identity let alone yours.

I’m grateful for my friends who have been there for me. For people who still answer the phone to me with a happy hi. For people who are willing to forgive me (note, I haven’t said “forgiven”).

Lots of love, TLR xxx

The Fog

I’m starting to think clearer again. Over the past eleven days since my almost fatal overdose, I’m starting to feel more myself.

The doctor on my ward is a tough love kinda guy which works well for people like me, not so much for others who need the namby-pamby approach. He says it like it is, which I have appreciated. They have upped my anti-psychotic and completely changed my anti depressant. Its still in the same family (SSRI) but it works safer with my anti-psychotic. He did explain the ins and outs of it but to be honest all I really understood from pharmacology’s point of view is that it makes the blood around my heart beat the same way, whereas the old one was putting me at risk of cardiac arrest.

I went into town on my own today for the first time in ages and although it was anxiety provoking, I managed it. I needed to as I broke my glasses sleeping in them so the nice guys at Specsavers fixed them for me.

Jade and I are taking things slow again. She feels hurt (and rightfully so) that I have lied to and deceived her but on the same token, she’s taken marriage off the table which has been a hard pill to swallow I won’t lie. Marriage has always been important to me, and marrying the right one for the right reasons.

I have been engaged before to a man who helped produce my wonderful son, and to be honest though I thought I loved him, I didn’t and only agreed to marry him because I thought I was too broken to be loved by anyone else. That relationship was violent too which speaks volumes I guess. Anyway when I first kissed Jade, I knew I’d found “the One” that people gush over. Their best friend. Their soulmate. Their happily ever after.

We have both removed our engagement rings (yet another bitter pill to swallow). There is still a spark between us and when she asked what happens if in 5-6 months time we’re not working, my answer was easy. We keep trying.

Anyway, I digress.

I’m fully back on all my medications at the therapeutic doses, when I am discharged we have decided I am coming back to the family home. I was planning to spend a few weeks elsewhere but to be honest I’ve not got many people with a spare room. And we need me to be there for our King Charles Cavalier, Bella. It also makes sense as we have a second bedroom and I will stay in there, whilst we get our relationship back on track and learn to trust and accept one another again.

I’ve also been kinda forced to sort my shit out because I have a new job in retail starting in November and I also get the pleasure of looking after my little man for a day during his half term.

“I’m not out of the woods just yet but the moon is hiding away, Slowly but surely the sun is rising upon another day. I’ve been in the perfect storm and strength is what the sun is gifting, its taken time and its taken forgiveness, but for me the fog is lifting. TLR”

I hope, just hope and pray, there will be community support when I get out. My GP, Dr E is really good and responds well in a crisis and knows me very well (very rare to get a GP like that nowadays). I hope a CPN will materialise and as part of getting my relationship back on track I am going to seek further support be it counselling, psychotherapy etc even if it is private.

I’m ticking along although I have realised who is actually a friend in these times, and sadly for me, who isn’t. I guess you live and learn. Thank you to those who have reached out to me in my hour of need, who have sent messages of support and left comments and who has seen me at my worst and darkest times). I’ve even had love from Singapore!

Lots of love xxx