The Warrior Within

No Fear No Smear

I have had a number of friends affected by cervical cancer and at quite a young age so you’d expect me to be shit hot on my own health.

But nope. Divvy here let it lapse and I was almost three years overdue my smear, despite my last smear coming back with abnormal cells. I was terrified of going to have my smear. Having someone ‘down there’ for starters is a huge issue for me.

I’ve been putting it off for years and finally went for it this morning. It was difficult, very uncomfortable but with the help of my iPod, a patient nurse and Jade being there for me, I was able to manage it successfully.

I realised today that if I can do that with all my issues ANYONE can. My lovely friend Amy is very open about her health and was actually one of the girls that reminded me how important it was to get this ‘MOT’.

Get your smears booked girls; it could genuinely save your life. Don’t do a Tracey and let embarrassment and fear put off doing it. The joys of being a woman, hey?

Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

It takes a lot to forgive someone for whatever they’ve done. Whether they hurt you, betrayed you, broke your heart, abandoned you, abused you or all of the above.

We should all be on a level pegging but sometimes that’s not the case, so it takes someone below you to try and bring you down.
It takes a special kind of person to hurt you, abuse you, break your heart and I don’t mean that positively.

I’ve been hurt by so many people I would run out of fingers and toes by the time I stopped counting, if indeed I could be bothered to count. They hurt me, yes. But to be honest I’m kinda grateful. I learned lessons that I shouldn’t have done until my thirties, I learned lessons that have shaped friendships and my life.

It’s not easy. It took me years to forgive certain people but, like any skill, I got better at it. And I extended this forgiveness to myself. I’m not perfect, have never professed to be, and I’ve made some huge mistakes. I’ve also hurt people unintentionally and of that I am not proud. But I’ve had to forgive myself to some degree or I will live every day of my life in hate. That’s no way to live. Forgive yourself for your mistakes, you’re only human.

Forgiveness is powerful. You are being fair to yourself. When you refuse to forgive you are giving permission for that person to continually hurt you over and over again in your memory.

So even if you can’t “forgive and forget” as the saying goes, for your own soul…try to recover and remember 💖

World Suicide Prevention Day Thoughts 2017

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day and I want you all to take a minute of your day to think about all those affected by and lost to suicide.

In 2016, 5688 people in the U.K. and ROI took their own lives through suicide caused by mental illness. The saddest thing is it’s preventable given the right support and intervention.

Please reach out to friends and family if they’re feeling poorly, remind them that someone will miss them, they’re important to someone and suicide doesn’t end the pain, it just passes it on to someone else. I’ve lost a friend to suicide and her death will stay with me 💖

I always used to be ashamed of my mental illness that caused me so much drama and cost me so much but nowadays I think that I went through a really rough time and I’m quite proud I got out of it. I’m a survivor.

On that note, it’s also been 5 months since I relapsed….I’m allowed to be proud of myself, I’ve come a long way 💖

The World and Its Opinion on BPD/EUPD

If I told you I had an illness that 10% of us with it would die, would you take me seriously?

If I told you that it was a mental illness called Borderline Personality Disorder, would you still take me seriously?

10% of people with BPD commit suicide and I can tell you, 4 years ago today that was me. I can tell you 4 months ago, that was me. Trying to end my pain by trying to end my life.

It probably doesn’t make sense to many, but consider yourselves lucky that you’ve never had to deal with emotions so intense that the only way you see out of it is to die. It’s such a drastic motion. It’s so final. And yet, if you speak to most people they’d rather be able to live in peace without their demons than try and commit suicide.

Look at Robin Williams; he had it all and made the world laugh. He was so scared about living his life with Parkinson’s that he imagined people would be better off without him. Let me tell you, NO-ONE is “better off without you”. Regardless of your situation, you are important to someone. They would miss you. Someone in this world needs you.

My message today in my Happiness Journey is to protect those who suffer with mental health and to not judge them. You can pot a broken foot but you can’t plaster a broken mind. It takes time, patience and understanding and not a dismissive, judgmental society.

4 years ago today I tried to kill myself. I thought people would be better off without me, that the pain wouldn’t stop etc but due to support and the right medication I am so thankful someone intervened. It’s taken 4 years to be honest in saying this but I’m glad I didn’t commit suicide.

Weight

I am overweight. There is no denying that. And I could blame it on my thyroid, or my PCOS, or my back problem – all of which contribute – but the truth is I have a love/hate relationship with food. I love eating it, I hate what it does to my body lol no but on a serious note, I do have disordered eating.

But I am more than my weight, and it’s taken me so long to realise that. I am funny, in fact I can be hilarious. I’m intelligent, though hold no common sense. I’m fiercely loyal to my close circle. I’m friendly. And I’m forgiving, too forgiving sometimes.

The numbers on the scale only give me the numerical reflection of my relationship with gravity. It does not measure talent, beauty, strength or love.

I don’t for one minute suggest that being under or overweight is healthy, or that under/overweight people could do with losing/gaining a few pounds.

What I AM suggesting, is that perhaps you look beyond the body shape and realise there is a person underneath. And, after all, if you judge a book by its cover you may just be missing out on the greatest story.

Society and Self Harm

The act of inflicting on yourself is unimaginable to some. Why would you hurt yourself? Why would you cut your skin? Why do you make yourself sick? Why do you try and end your life?

But to a lot of people, inflicting harm on yourself is an act of anguish. Its a symptom of mental health problems. Self mutilation is still dismissed across the UK and indeed the world and yet if it goes wrong, it can be lethal.

I want you to take a moment to think how much pain someone must in to do that to themselves. Often, it’s horrendous life experiences that have led to these maladaptive ways of coping. And these people need support and encouragement, not judgement and ridicule.

They are (usually) not dangerous to others, just to themselves. Help them by being kind. If you catch a glance of their scars and manage to catch their eye, smile. That’s all.

To those who hurt themselves in ways which you can’t see; I’m so sorry that society doesn’t get you. I’m sorry that people sneer or say that just because they can’t see your scars that your pain is less than anyone else’s. I am like you.

Baby Loss Awareness Month

Baby Loss Awareness Month
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It is not just about the mothers and fathers whose children they have lost, and it is not just about the statistics of those who have lost a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, SADS or other means.
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For the parents whose child never took their first breath, or for those who learned to fly before they could walk, or whose child died before their untimely death – they remember them Every. Single. Day. We don’t need an Awareness Month.
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It is for those who have not experienced loss. It is to make others aware that these losses DO happen. Our children – because that’s what they are whether they were born or not – were precious to us. Every single positive pregnancy test, blood test, scan, birth and time spent with them made us parents whether we watched them grow or not.
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This status is not only dedicated to those who have loved and lost, it is also for those who grieve for the child they were never given to love.
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Yes there are statistics, of course there are in this very modern world. But whether you are 15 or 50 and have never experienced pregnancy, I feel for you. For the parents who have lost their angels, I feel for you too.
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This month is dedicated to you. Every single man, woman and everyone in between who grieves for the child they had, will have and lose, and for those children who we’ll never have, we think of you this October.

Baby Loss Awareness Week 9th-15th October.

Most women have been through the sadness and grief of loss of a child be it through miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, or sudden death in adults. No one should have to say goodbye to their child, whatever age they were.
Look into the eyes of a woman with a loss and you will see the sadness and grief. She might not talk about it, barely mention it, and in some cases, won’t recognise due date or date of death. But ask her how old her child would’ve been, she’ll know 💖
This isn’t just women; men also suffer. That was their child too. Their little princess, their little mini me.

I am more than the statistic, I give personality to it. I know that my baby is happy up there in God’s arms and in the company of my loved ones; I’ve been told and I trust the people that told me.

I am the 1 in 4 who grieves for a child in Heaven.

The angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth. She closed the book and whispered “too beautiful for Earth”.

Never forgotten 💔 08.08.2008 💔

Turning 30

I had mixed emotions about becoming thirty years old! On one hand I thought I would mature a little (who was I kidding?) but the other part of me was filled with dread.

On my 29th birthday during my Harry Potter themed party (shut up, it was very awesome lol) I cried and nearly had a breakdown. Aged 16-19 I thought that by the time I was 30, I would be leading up to partner in a law firm, saving the world one case at a time in London with a flashy car, cool house that I had mortgaged…blah blah blah.

Life took me in a different direction. It took me down mental health and its despair, its nightmare, its heartbreak.

Jade reminded me by saying, and I quote, “five years ago you didn’t think you’d make it this far. You may not have the career you wanted, but you are alive” and that really got me thinking. I’m alive. I’m well. I’m grateful.

So rather than do a TV series Friends-style 30th birthday with tears and cries of “why God why” (thanks Joey!), I decided to create my own Project 30. This consists of experiences and things I want to do in my thirties, having lost my 20’s to ill health. I will have a new list in my forties haha!

This list is in no particular order! Visit Ireland, hold a spider, go to a live concert, go to Sea Life Centre, Cadbury World, learn to drive, visit Cornwall, go strawberry picking, West Midlands Safari Park and visit York’s Harry Potter street, the Shambles. Go ice skating, go to the Sheffield’s Butterfly House, go quad biking again, lose 3 stone stone (10% of 30 is 3) and go on a car date/picnic. Go leaf kicking, get a tattoo, raise money for charity, publish a poem, win something and see a a comedy act. Learn something new, make a friend, walk barefoot in the rain and join a gym. Lastly, get married, go abroad, clear my debts, make a difference and stay happy.

Easy right??? So far I’ve ticked off; Cadbury World, Sea Life Centre, go to a live concert (Pink), West Midlands Safari Park, been to Cornwall and joined a gym.

My best advice if you’re going nuts over a new age? Go with the flow. It really is just a number. Make it fun, make it memorable like me 🙂

Losing Weight/Mental Health

I have just said in ‘The Difference In Me’ that I won’t be naming medications because they all work differently for different people and it would be careless and unfair of me to say otherwise.

We all know some medications, more than others, are prone to causing weight. I gained four/five stones on a particular medication which didn’t really have weight gaining properties, it just made me feel hungry all the time…and I usually picked up the wrong stuff.

Prior to mental health becoming such a large part of my life, I was comfortable with being…um…a few sizes smaller than what I am now. I was busy running around after a baby, running a home, working full time, doing an evening college course whilst experiencing bullying at work, failure on my course and postnatal depression. I was headed for the breakdown I inevitably had.

So yes, I gained a few stones. As of 18th July 2019 I rejoined Slimming World for the 13th and final time. 13 is unlucky for some but I have made great friends in the morning group, feel inspired and I’m close to achieving my first ever stone award. *I’ve lost just over half a stone, but then Jade’s birthday happened so this week should be a good loss*.

I am on a medication now that is NOT known for weight gain which is why it is so popular apparently, because it doesn’t have those properties.

But it’s about brain training. I follow Slimming World because, for me, it works easier than WW. If I calorie count, I become obsessed with deficits etc. I now reach for carrot sticks instead of KitKats. If I’m hungry I fill up on speed free foods (if you know, you know) and eat cucumbers like they’re apples ha! Strawberries in overnight oats are my absolute favourite and Iceland do some large portioned free meals which suits my overly big appetite. They could do with being a little less spicy, in my opinion. When I have worked it out, I will try and add some food diaries to this page or alternatively you can follow me and Jade on Instgram on @weighdaywarriors

Weigh Day Warriors was set up initially as a Slimming World account and then changed to CHROME which was an acronym born from an emotional conversation about food, food issues and weight, stemming from a simple pepperoni pizza. Our goal was to primarily help me (and others) to remove emotional attachment from food which is what I used to struggle with.

When reaching for food think of CHROME. Am I in CONTROL of my CHOICES? Am I actually HUNGRY or am I ROAMING the cupboards for something to munch on? Could I delay eating by keeping myself otherwise OCCUPIED putting thought before the action, removing mindless eating? Am I MINDFUL about what I am eating? And last, by not least, am I EMOTIONALLY EATING? If I can pause before eating, or really question if I “need” that item of food, or engage in other activity I am breaking old habits.

I still use CHROME to some extent although the ethos conflicts with Slimming World’s “eat as much free food as you want” and Jade wanted to start posting more body positivity stuffs so we combined CHROME, SW and BP to create @weighdaywarriors on Instagram.

On a final note, I decided at 11.50pm on 31st August 2019 I was going to partake in Sweatember. This is an annual event playing on the word September, but where you exercise every day for a month to raise money for Cancer Research UK. So Jade and I joined the gym, walk the dog separately and together, I go swimming and attempted kickboxing, as well as incorporating little walks into my daily lifestyle. It hasn’t reflected in pounds on the scale but I can definitely see inches going down. Oh, and I’ve raised my FULL TARGET of £100 wahoo!!!

I’ve felt so much better about myself for doing a little exercise and I will continue the gym and swimming long after September.

MY THREE TOP TIPS FOR SLIMMING WORLD: 1) Be honest with yourself and realistic with your expectations, 2) your syns are like money; spend them wisely and remember they are a limit not a target and 3) write everything down to keep track of what and when you’re eating/drinking.

The Difference In Me

What can I say? Insight saved my life! It is both a blessing and a curse to be insightful with your mental health as I am sure many of you can understand. To know so much about yourself, to be so understanding of your triggers and knowledge of what keeps you well but still battling a mind that doesn’t want to walk that path, is fucking hard.

I have been back on my anti-psychotic since July and *touch wood* am back to my silly old self. For all their faults, the National Health Service are always there to buffer people back to life. Jade has been holding onto me on a bridge, police officers have dragged me like a rag doll across bridges, I have been chased, and caught, handcuffed, put in a prison cell and been in the back of a police car and ambulance far too many times to count BUT the NHS has always prevailed. I’m not saying its perfect; there are many pen pushers at the top that, if they took a pay cut we could afford more nurses and healthcare assistants, but they’ve been there without a bill at the end of it. My health costs me tax and national insurance, and £10 a month for my PrePayment Certificate for my 6-8 medications (depending on whether I get my inhalers). If I contract a skin condition, or chest infection, the medication is usually covered. It is one of the few things that make me proud of this country is our NHS. Anyway, I digress….

I feel so lucky and fortunate. Since being back on my anti-psychotic, I have genuinely felt really good 98% of the time which is pretty good to be fair. I sat in the garden on 5th September 2019 where the sun was beating down, I’d just cut the grass, cleaned the car port and washed Jade’s car and thought “damn, I’m really lucky”. I have everything a woman could want except a nice bank balance.

We rent a nice home, I have a (sometimes dysfunctional) family, I have a second family who has accepted me flaws and all, I have a small but reliable set of friends, a settled income and I have rejoined Slimming World (another post will be written about this!)

So in short, life is good. I still have my bad days. In fact the last week has been pretty tough, I’ve been struggling and relying on benzodiazepines that have helped my anxiety and intrusive thoughts. But ON THE WHOLE I’m doing really well.

Of course its not 100% down to tablets and medication. Its partly down to circumstance, relationship changes, mood changes etc but I used to take medication for high blood pressure for which there was no shame. So why would there be any for mental health medication?

THERE ISN’T.

There is no shame in taking medication for the chemical imbalance you have. For a headache, you’d take a paracetamol. For anxiety, you can take a benzo. For depression, you can take an antidepressant. For high blood pressure, you’d take ramipril (for example, don’t quote me on medical issues please and consult your own GP if you struggle with any of these conditions). This blog is purely MY experiences, and I will always consciously try and not name medications because they act/work differently for different people. I just know that without mine, I would probably be dead.

I think that’s one of the hardest things. Admitting you need help and that you’ll probably be on medication for a while, if not for life. My Jade has also suffered from depression and anxiety and is medication-free and has been for a number of years. That doesn’t mean to say she doesn’t struggle from time to time. Of course she does, she’s human! I, however, DO need that chemical imbalance restoring and whether you take them or not, medication for your health is NOTHING TO BE ASHAMED ABOUT.